Saturday, January 2

If animals had rights

The Buddhists say we come back as animals and they refer to them as lesser beings. Well, animals aren't lesser beings, they're just like us. So I say fuck the Buddhists.
So, if animals were just like us, they'd have rights, including the right to vote. I wonder what slogans we'd hear....
  • If chickens could vote: No chickens in anybody's pot!
  • If dogs could vote: No leash laws! Follow the leader! Balls to chase!
  • If cats could vote: Vote? I am the monarch!
  • If flies could vote: Shit!
Or maybe I should check the bill of rights:
  • freedom of religion (I'm trying to imagine the religion of caterpillars)
  • freedom of speech (tweet-tweet, buzz-buzz, etc.)
  • freedom of the press (bulletin: man bites dog!)
  • the right to petition for redress (if you don't like the turkey's dressing)
  • freedom of assembly (herding cats)
  • the right to keep and bear arms (do bears really need automatic weapons?)
  • no quartering of soldiers in private dwellings in peacetime (not in the chicken coop, not in the doghouse, and not in the cat house)
  • no unreasonable search and seizure (but you can check me for ticks)
  • grand-jury indictment for serious offenses, protection against double jeopardy in criminal cases, and prohibition against compelling testimony by a person against himself (the cat indicted by a grand-jury for killing a songbird. I'm guessing any feline testimony would be pretty limited.)
  • the rights of the accused to a speedy trial and an impartial jury and the right to legal counsel and to the obtaining of witnesses in his favor (the testimony of avian witnesses is for the birds)
  • the right to trial by jury in serious civil suits and prohibition against double jeopardy in civil cases (no double jeopardy, even for single leopards)
  • prohibition of excessive bail and cruel and unusual punishment (what's cruelty to nature red in tooth and claw?)

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